At 54, I’m in good shape. Many people see me and think I’m “lucky,” “genetically gifted,” or simply “fortunate.” As a health coach and former professional ballet dancer, I’ve always been diligent about my diet and lifestyle. But what if my life had taken a different path? Would I still be in shape? It’s easy for others to assume I’ve always been this way, but the truth is, my journey has been anything but smooth. It started with a tough introduction to “Hating Self 101.”
The director and the pudding
From a young age, I wanted to be a “ballerina” and spent most of my time in ballet class, even getting excused from the usual two-sports-per-school-term rule. Ballet was my life. However, my body wasn’t ideally suited for the art form. I’m not tall or willowy, and my muscles aren’t long, so I had to work twice as hard to achieve the lines and extension required. Despite the challenges, I managed to attend the University of Cape Town Ballet School at 18 and join the (then) CAPAB Ballet Company at 19.
Yet, the professional ballet world was harsh. We had to get weighed before and after every annual leave, standing in long queues to prove we hadn’t gained any weight. About two years into my career, the director pulled me aside and told me my body was “disgusting” and that I looked like a “pudding.” This shaming in front of my peers and colleagues led to a series of warnings and eventually an ultimatum: resign or be fired. No help was offered to improve my body shape to their satisfaction.
Leaving the dream behind
Resigning felt like the end of my world. I was overwhelmed with embarrassment and grief, losing an identity I had worked for since I was five years old. Although I wasn’t overweight—about 5-6kg lighter then than I am now—the shame took over. I moved into the world of health and fitness with a skewed view of myself, focusing on using my body to affirm my worth rather than practising self-love. I developed my body to attract attention, mistakenly believing it would bring me something meaningful.
New beginnings, new struggles
It took extensive personal work to understand that my physical body and my true self are separate. My value isn’t dictated by my shape. Despite understanding this, our world still places an excessive emphasis on physical appearance and youth. As I age, maintaining the shape I’ve had throughout my adult life becomes increasingly difficult.
I want to acknowledge how hard it is to attain and maintain a desired body shape. Women face immense pressure to achieve physical “perfection” in order to feel valuable. Whether you’re still striving for this ideal or watching it change with age, we’re all in the same boat. We must learn to love and value ourselves for who we are, not just how we look. Improving our shape is acceptable, but self-love isn’t tied to physicality.
Embracing who you are
No matter where you are in your journey, the struggle is real. Self-love is essential for living a meaningful, happy life. It’s about accepting who you are right now—flaws, scars, and all. It means focusing on how you feel and treat yourself, not just how you look.
Self-love is a daily practice. It involves making choices that honour your body and soul, whether it’s setting boundaries, taking time for self-care, or indulging in things you love—like a delicious pudding. Just like life, puddings are meant to be savoured and enjoyed, with all their richness and imperfections.
The journey to self-love is ongoing and may never be perfect, but it can be deeply rewarding. Whether you’re struggling with weight, self-confidence, or the fear of ageing, remember that you’re more than enough just as you are. Embrace the pudding, embrace the journey, and most importantly, embrace yourself.
You are not alone
Opening up to others about my personal journey was a deeply vulnerable experience. Sharing the pain, embarrassment, and self-doubt I faced took some courage and was an essential part of my healing process.
I choose to share my story to offer comfort and understanding to those who may be experiencing similar struggles. You’re not alone on this journey. My aim has always been to provide a supportive space in which we can grow and heal together, finding strength in our shared experiences and moving forward with self-compassion.
With warmth and support,
Tanya